The Sound of Sunshine

"Congratulations!!"

That one word has reminded me the past two days that my entire medical emergency and ten days in the hospital involved more than just me and Colin.

What an awkward thing, to socially interact with someone who has experienced the most joyful event of their life completely unexpectedly and against their will and be expected to know the right thing to say.  Fortunately, I have chosen the right people to spend time with since my discharge from the hospital.  They have all known to go ahead and treat this situation as one that requires a "Congratulations!" rather than "I am so sorry.".

I suppose if you have been reading my blog you may wonder, "What about Jackson?".

Yes, I have been selfishly writing about myself and what Colin and I have gone through.  It's not that this is all about us.  It's not.  If I want to be completely honest, and I do, I have been writing about what I know most to get this blog started.  I know how it has affected me and Colin.  Unfortunately, the tragedy of the situation involves more than just my health and the life hanging in the balance as the result of my sickness.  The real tragedy is that I don't really know my son well enough yet to write on his behalf.

That was hard to write just now.  I brought my son into this world a little over five days ago, and I don't know him.

Trust me, I understand that Colin and I are in no way the only people who are experiencing/will have experienced difficulty when it comes to the birth of their child.  In fact, I completely acknowledge that this trying experience is going to result in a bond closer than we could ever have had as a family otherwise.  I know in the back of my mind that there is a reason that is beyond our ability to understand right now that this is happening.  I guess you can say I am a glass half full kind of girl.  Of course I have my negative moments and dark times, we all do.  However, I have learned to cope with difficult times by looking at the bright side.  A modern day Pollyanna, just a little less annoying (I hope!).

All that being said, I can also acknowledge that there is a unique sadness to what has happened to us.  We have been robbed of the birthing process.  We went through 7 months of pregnancy without a proper ending.  When I brought my son into the world, the "labor" I got to experience included trying to remain calm enough to keep my blood pressure down below fatal levels (a near epic fail) and tolerate the pain causing my severe medical emergency to occur in the first place.  I had a pretty loose birth plan: do whatever is necessary to get me and the baby out of this alive and well.  I guess I should have been more specific.

Congratulations!  Your body hit the eject button on your baby seven full weeks earlier than he needed to be introduced to breathing on his own, regulating his body temperature, and eating food!  You were put under anesthesia and missed the birth of your first child!  You almost died and then did not get to even see your baby until the next day (aka: you missed your child's first real birthday)!  You did not see your child's full face without a breathing machine on it until more than two days after he was born!  You don't know your own son five days after he was born because he lives in an incubator and you are not qualified to be his mommy just yet!

There was my pity party.  Let's move on now.

I am ready to talk about how Jackson is doing.  He is doing GREAT!!!!!  He has graduated from the sipap machine (those of you who have sleep apnea know all about this thing) to a cannula.  This has allowed him to show his beautiful face to the world and he seems much happier.  Every day the level of oxygen that he needs decreases.  Every day he has fewer episodes of oxygen desaturation.  It seems he has grown tired of getting attention by lowering his heart rate to dangerous levels.  His incubator is now on a new setting that is not having to work so hard to regulate his temperature.  He is taking in and digesting more and more food and his IV fluids are being reduced.  He is gaining weight and keeping it on.  He is well on his way to earning the right of being a crib resident rather than living in his futuristic incubator.

Jackson is well-loved in the NICU.  Nurses describe him as a "cutie-pie" and "feisty one".  When he opens his eyes and gazes at his caretakers, they melt.  He is full of life and fight.  Everyone is confident that he is going to get through this bump in the road and be a normal, healthy little boy.  We are in no way out of the woods, but we also have no reason right now to think we won't be someday soon.

All we can do right now as parents is have faith and allow the wonderful staff of the St. Charles NICU to do their jobs.  Colin and I are taking the next few days to figure out a routine and prepare for the road ahead, which will involve more and more hands-on activity with our son, including nursing every three hours like a normal parent.  We want to establish a schedule of grandparent visitation so the most important people in Jackson's life can start to get to know him as well.  There are still many things to do and acquire to ensure we are ready for him to come home and join our family.  We will be busy, but that is what is going to help time pass as we wait to be "normal parents".

Tonight we went to the Michael Franti show.  It was a somewhat difficult decision to make (whether or not to go) and I probably physically pushed myself a little too hard.  However, it was the right decision to go.  As always, Franti lifted us up with his positive message and it was great to be with some of our friends.  We felt "normal" for a while.  I admit, I cried several times throughout the show as I bonded with my amazing husband through the power of positive music.  They were mostly tears of joy, but I did have a hard time seeing so many new parents dancing with their babies and pregnant moms with that joyful glow of exciting times to come.  The song of the night for us came when he sang "Sound of Sunshine".  He wrote this song when his appendix ruptured and he ended up in the hospital in the middle of his tour.  Of course, we have always loved this song, but the story behind it spoke loud and clear to us after our own ordeal in the hospital.  I am proud to share Franti's outlook on life: positivity and gratefulness heals.

After the show, we got to see this miracle that we made together.  Jackson is our Sound of Sunshine.

                                                "The Sound Of Sunshine"

I wake up in the morning and it's 6 a clock.
They say there may be rain but the sun is hot.
I wish I had some just to kill today,
And I wish I had a dime for every bill I had to pay.

Some days you lose you win and the waters as high as the times your in.
So I jump back into where I learned to swim.
Try to keep my head above it as best I can.
That's why;

Here I am,
Just waiting on this storm to pass me by.
And that's the sound of sunshine coming down
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down...

(Aye, aye, ayeehey...)

I saw my friend Bobby he said "What's up man?"
You gotta little work or a twenty to lend?
I opened up my hand
He said I'm glad to see, they can take away my job but not my friends you see.
And here I am just waiting for this storm to pass me by.

And that's the sound of sunshine coming down
And that's the sound of sunshine coming down

(Here we go)

I want to go where the sun will never end
With my guitar on the beach there with all my friend.
The sun so hot and the waves in motion and everything smells like suntan lotion, the ocean, and the girls so sweet
So kick of your shoes and relax your feet
They say that miracles are never ceasin', and every single soul needs a little releasin'
the stereo bumpin' till the sun goes down, and I only want to hear that sound

And that's the sound of sunshine coming down
And that's the sound of sunshine coming down

And now say
You're the one I want to be with, when the sun goes down.
You're the one I want to be with, when the sun goes down

Sing;
You're the one I want to be with when the sun goes down.
You're the one I want to be with when the sun goes

That's the sound of sunshine coming down
And that's the sound of sunshine coming down

(Aye, aye aye, Ha, aye aye)