No Sleep Goggles

Life looks different when you are functioning on very limited sleep.  Colin has a pair of beer goggles we bought him for his 30th birthday.  I feel like I am wearing something similar, but it is a little harder to make a cute pair of glasses that represent "no sleep goggles".  These goggles allow me to look at everything going on around me with a soft fuzziness that takes the edge off reality.  It is almost like when you are so deliriously tired everything is funny and okay.

Like any new parent, I am running on a gas tank that is close to empty at all times.  Actually, I may be running on even less sleep because I have the "advantage" of freedom with my time when my baby is sleeping.  I use quotations around advantage because this blessing is also a curse.  Having the ability to run errands and get stuff done when Jackson is getting his much-needed excessive sleep means that is usually what I am doing rather than napping and catching up on sleep.

I will break it down so my reasoning is understood.  Here is how I think it goes for new parents who have their baby and get to go home:

• Feed baby when hungry
• Put baby down for nap when not eating
• Sleep while baby is sleeping

I actually think most new mommies even get to feed while lying in bed in the middle of the night.  This is one of the best nursing positions that I learned about in our childbirth classes.  It seems like if you play your cards right, you are still getting some sleep even though it is sporadic and dictated by your baby's sleep schedule.

Here is how I am functioning:

• Pump breast milk every 3 hours for a minimum of 8 times per day
• Sleep between pumping times in the middle of the night - this means I sleep from 12:30 a.m. - 3 a.m. and 3:30 - 6:30 a.m. (times approximate)
• Nap occasionally during the afternoon or late evening before I go for Jackson's 11 p.m. care time

From my groggy calculations, I am getting six hours if I am actually falling asleep right when I am done with each pumping session.  Now, this may not seem so bad.  However, please consider that I am someone who requires nine hours of sleep to function at my best.  This means I am losing at least three hours of the sleep time that my body prefers each day.  It is physically giving me no sleep goggles that are blurring my vision.

All that being said, I am doing surprisingly well.  At least I think I am.  I have decided that I must be running on some sort of mommy adrenaline.  The overwhelming love I feel for Jackson motivates me to stay up late enough to go see him at 11 p.m. and pump at midnight as well as wake up at 3 a.m. to pump again.  Everything I do is for him.  He is my world.  All of the sudden I can't imagine life before Jackson.  I am cruising along knowing I am pretty sleep deprived but feeling pretty good anyway.  It must be because I am looking at the world through my no sleep goggles.

We encountered our first setback this evening.  I am hoping how I handled it is an indication of how I am doing both physically and emotionally.  When we went to the hospital for Jackson's 8 p.m. care time and daddy kangaroo time, the nurse let us know we need to give him an extended rest time.  He had a significant brady episode, meaning he dropped his heart rate and it took some stimulation to get him going again.  He then topped that off with a major spit up.  No one can be sure what caused this to happen, but we all concur that he has had some big days.  Breast feeding, photo shoots, several visitors, bath time, extended kangaroo time, the list goes on.  I think the hope is that he just needs some rest and this is his way of telling us.  At least, that is how it seems when I look at the situation through my no sleep goggles.

As worried and distraught as I was to receive the news that my baby did not have a good afternoon, I managed to hold it together.  I don't think getting overly emotional in the NICU is going to make this any better, so I chose to remain calm.  On the bright side, Colin and I had already decided that we are spending a couple of nights at home to take a little break and maintain our sanity.  Our wonderful nurse told us we need to get some rest, enjoy each other, spend some time at home with our other babies (Sam & Dakota), and only come in once per session on Saturday and maybe even on Sunday depending on how he is doing.  We all agreed that 11 a.m. and 8 p.m. makes most sense since it will allow us to get some rest.

Jackson is fine.  He is going to rest and regain his strength and we are going to listen to him and take it easy on him and the amount of activity we engage him in.  We are not going to get him out any faster by pushing him too hard.  I can't let this spoil another great day.  I learned a lot from his nurse and he got his footprints and handprints done.  Our neighbors graduated to a sleep-in (I think that is what you call it) and are staying in a birthing suite for the next two nights with no monitors but all the nurses right there if they need anything.  The next step for them is home!  We are back to having our own NICU suite, which after sharing is so spacious and private.  Jackson has photos up on the wall and a scrapbook page done by the nurses with his footprint, handprint, and birth stats.  The nurses finally had some time to dedicate to making our little man feel special.  It feels pretty great for mom and dad as well.

I found this online when I looked up images for the quote "don't worry".  That is what I am trying to do.  I need to sleep and relax at home while I can and let Jackson sleep and grow.  I would say I am easily meeting all three requirements, so its time to just sit back and be happy.

Now the ultimate accomplishment is to get some solid sleep so I can maintain the warm fuzziness of the no sleep goggles!