Fathers are Expecting Too.....and Other False Reassurances

**This post is dedicated to the pregnant chicks out there**

re·as·sur·ance

noun

1. 1.

   the action of removing someone's doubts or fears.

   "children need reassurance and praise"

   
   

   Fathers are expecting too.  At least, that is what some books or even sections of your pregnant chick bible (aka: What to Expect When You're Expecting) will tell you as if you and your husband/partner are going to endure this adventure called pregnancy together.  This is a false reassurance designed to remove a woman's doubts and fears that she is in this pregnancy alone.  The fact of the matter is, men are never "expecting" in the same way women are when it comes to pregnancy, so why even suggest it?  

   
   Let me tell you what fathers are expecting.  

   
   

   Fathers are expecting their wives/partners to continue to be a normal human being despite the fact their body has been completely taken over by a new entity, otherwise known as pregnancy hormones.  Fathers expect that despite these profoundly significant changes, which are out of the pregnant person's control, their wife/partner will be the exception to the rule.  She will be the one who has not been handed a one-way ticket to crazy town.  

   
   

   I say this in a very general sense.  I am sure there are some super-sensitive men out there who really do their best to empathize with their pregnant person.  Perhaps they actually experience sympathy symptoms and manage to not make it all about them.  I suppose it is possible for some men to truly understand pregnancy and find a way to join in on the experience emotionally.  However, no man, despite how sensitive they may be, will ever physically experience pregnancy.
   
   Side note: Some of you may be inclined to argue the case of the "Pregnant Man", the most ludicrous way Bend has ever managed to gain national media attention.  Give up now.  The "Pregnant Man" is a woman who underwent hormone therapy but held on to her uterus, arguably the most important feature of womanhood.  She is a woman with excessive facial hair.  Under this argument any pregnant woman, especially those who are hosting a boy in their womb, can make the case they are a pregnant man.  Without a talented aesthetician or a pair of tweezers these women also have beards.  I can attest to this.  Therefore, this argument is invalid and pointless.
   
   I am not saying all of these things about men to be a hater or even sound bitter about how my dear husband handled pregnancy.  I actually feel bad that men do not enjoy the privilege of pregnancy.  Even if you have the most miserable pregnancy and experience every unfortunate symptom and side effect, pregnancy is magical.  There is no greater power in life than the ability to grow another human.  Sure, men play an important role in the process of conception and having their support can make all the difference in the world, but they are simply a bystander for the duration of the pregnancy.
   
   Throughout my pregnancy, I found one of the most profound differences between being the bystander and being the human vessel was the fact that the bystander could sometimes forget about the pregnancy.  Conversely, the vessel NEVER forgets that she is pregnant.  In fact, the minute she accepts the fact that there is life growing inside of her, that fact is almost always in the forefront of her mind (hence, the pregnant brain phenomenon).  
   
   Pregnancy can be physically demanding.  Yes, you are swollen.  Your body is constantly plagued with unexplainable pains.  Unfortunately, you are particularly flatulent.  Of course you have to pee every five minutes; you are so thirsty you cannot stop drinking water but your lovable fetus is sitting on your bladder.  Your baby's toes are running across your ribs like they are playing the xylophone.  Naturally you are starving and need to eat all the time yet your stomach hurts after every meal.  The list of fun goes on and on.
   
   I still say that I would never trade the father and take on the role as bystander.  Despite the fact the bystander gets to go on with life and even live it up if they choose, they are missing out on the miracle of creating life.  They have no idea how much you can love this little person you have never met.  The bystander has to endure months of repetitive conversations revolving around the pregnancy.  Everything is about the baby.  I distinctly remember the look on my bystander's face when the same question about the pregnancy would be asked by someone else and he knew he was going to have to play along with the conversation as if he was not ready to lose his mind.  I can only imagine how brutally obnoxious this must have been.
   
   What about the fact the bystander is expected to be empathetic and supportive of a condition he has no way of relating to?  Most men don't even understand PMS and some even believe it is a made-up condition that allows women to be insufferable every month with no consequences.  How can a bystander be expected to understand pregnancy?  It must be exhausting to have to sit back and tolerate the crazy person their vessel has turned into.  The minute I figured out that I was being a selfish, whiny, demanding turd during my most miserable time in my third trimester I made an effort to be nice to my bystander.  Pregnant chicks listen up: you catch more flies with honey.  Be nice to your bystander!   
   
   They say the woman falls in love when she finds out she is pregnant and the man falls in love at birth.  Could this be true?  
   
   I believe so.  I fell in love with Jackson on Wednesday, January 15th.  Colin fell in love with Jackson on Tuesday, August 6th.  The birth of your child changes everything.  No matter how it happens (and trust me, you have very little control over how this goes down so you can file your birth plan away under "good intentions" now), something transformative happens to the bystander.  The entire time you were pregnant he knew the situation would result in a baby.  What he did not know was how it would affect him when the magical moment finally came.  
   
   Without divulging too many details, my hopes and dreams that my amazing husband would turn to mush at the sight of his son came true.  I am deeply indebted to the perceptive person who took over Colin's phone in the receiving room immediately after Jackson's birth.  They stopped taking photos and switched to video as Colin sat by Jackson's side and had a genuine, emotional reaction as he met his son for the first time.  I go back and watch this video almost daily and weep (remember, I am postpartum) and feel so lucky that we are all finally a family.  I fell in love with my husband all over again when I saw this video and I absolutely adore how excited he gets to spend time with his son every day.    
   
   In the end, I believe that fathers are expecting too, just in a different way.  I do not envy the carefree lifestyle they can live as they wait for the big day.  I would not trade them places for the world.  I look back on my pregnancy and actually feel a little slighted since I did not get to carry to term.  As nice as it is to no longer suffer those third trimester symptoms, I miss pregnancy.  I cherish the time I spent carrying Jackson around with me everywhere I went, especially now that I have to leave him every night.  He is still a part of me and I suspect he always will be.
   
   A special moment between father and son.