"Excuse me, you forgot to give us the manual. We aren't sure how to be a NICU family. For example, how often should we be in Jackson's NICU room? How long should we stay each time? How many times per day should we be holding him? If you just give us the manual we can go and read it in our own time and come back experts like everyone else who has a baby in here."
Hmm....why are we getting that "aren't they so cute and clueless?" look from everyone. Perhaps there is not a black and white answer to any of our questions. Could it be possible that depending on WHO you ask, the answer will be slightly different and rightfully so?
I have to admit, I am honestly struggling with guilt based on how much time I have been able to spend outside of Jackson's NICU room. A brand new mommy should not have this much freedom. It is eye-opening when people ask me when I am due and I have to explain that they are actually looking at the aftermath of my pregnancy. Before, when strangers were brazen enough to ask me when I was due, the idea of messing with them a little and saying "What do you mean?" or "I just had a really big lunch" was tempting. Now, I truly feel bad for people who feel like they have put their foot in their mouth when I tell them I already had the baby. I do still look pregnant. To those who already knew I was pregnant but maybe have not heard the news, I still should be pregnant. To top it all off, who would expect a person who just had a baby six days ago to be galavanting about in public without their child in tow? I should be holed up in my house trying to figure out how to take care of my newborn, right?
Honestly, it is just one of those things. People who know me and Colin seem genuinely impressed that we are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy to a reasonable degree while we can. Colin said it best as we drove away from the hospital for the first time on Saturday and I was turning into a blubbering mess the farther away he would drive: "We are not qualified to take care of Jackson right now."
Colin is right, we are not qualified to take care of our child. That is a hard thing to comprehend. Our child is better off in the care of someone who is specially trained to monitor and handle the plethora of issues that may arise at any minute rather than his own parents. Most people get booted from the hospital 48-72 hours after delivery and are expected to figure out how to take care of their child on their own. NICU families live under a different set of expectations. Exactly what those expectations are is where things can get a bit confusing.
NICU families are expected to figure out how much time is the appropriate amount of time to spend in the NICU. We are bombarded and overwhelmed by specialists (lactation, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy, social workers, etc.) who all want and need to help us and we are supposed to absorb as much information as we can. We are expected to bond with our child yet not overstimulate them. A NICU mom is expected to take care of herself so she can maintain milk production yet still be available for all (or most) feeding times every three hours once the baby starts to breastfeed. The list goes on and on.
Again, if you could just give us the manual, we can figure all of this out.
I hope this is not misunderstood as some sort of rant or airing of grievances with the NICU. This is simply an honest outpouring of questions. My hope is that people who are reading this blog will start to feel comfortable enough to give me feedback, share stories, or even words of encouragement in the comments section.
Hint, hint.
Jackson wants his mommy to be the very best mommy she can be! Peace y'all!
I don't think there is a right answer. Your heart is in the right place and that's the most important thing. With my meager 5 months of experience as a mommy, I am learning that parenthood seems to be a series of uncertainties where you wonder if you are doing the best thing for your baby. I am constantly wondering if I am giving Sienna the right amount of my time and attention as I struggle to balance work and motherhood. When I bring her in the office with me, I feel like I am ignoring her and at the same time barely getting any work done, but when I let my mom take her I feel guilty because I could have her here. I think that all the time you can spend with Jackson now will help him grow strong and feel secure, but at the same time I understand what you mean about all the specialists constantly interrupting etc and feeling like you aren't qualified to care for him. You are doing a great job and you are an awesome mommy. Soon the hospital life will be a memory and you will be at home with your baby and it will be an amazing feeling!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sis! Your words are encouraging and motivate me to stay strong for our little man. You are a wonderful mommy yourself and I can't wait to hold SiSi again soon!
DeleteHello Morrison Family! I'm Alissa Worthing and my cousin and your friend Chris Otto directed me to your blog because our son, Foxen Worthing, was born ten weeks premature at just two pounds, twelve ounces. Now he's 4 1/2 and has no memory of the NICU at all. His prematurity is only relevant to my memories and experience of motherhood - it has had absolutely no negative effect on his health or development or happiness.
ReplyDeleteYou are a gifted writer, Stephanie. Even though its been over four years since we served our time in the NICU, I was moved to tears within the first few sentences of your first post as the memories came rushing back.
I would be honored to receive any questions you might have about anything. We spent a total of 52 days as a NICU family. I struggled with the same awkwardness and uncertainty about my role in the constant and constantly changing flow of nurses and doctors. I didn't want to get in the way of the trained professionals upon whom we were relying to keep our boy alive and prepare him to come home. Yet, the inexact answer to your questions is, "Be there as much as you can." Touch him and talk to him and sing to him and read to him and, if its your thing, pray with him as much as you can. But take care of each other, too. Take shifts. Tell each other good stories. Eat good food.
Finally, I just want to deeply empathize with you in grieving over your birth experience. When you are in the NICU, with babies in far more danger than yours, there isn't really space to grieve over "How it was supposed to be." Life is laser focused on dealing with what is. But it is a real loss and I feel it with you. There is so much about the preemie birth experience that is painful and sad and traumatic. There is no joy in those moments and what you can muster is tempered with terror. When I came home from the hospital without my son, I just wailed: "I was supposed to have a home birth! With a midwife and a doula! I took a 10 week class! I wasn't done being pregnant! This is not what I planned!"
Honestly, my heart still hurts that I didn't (and never will) get to "have" a baby. I didn't "give birth." Like you, my boy was lifted out of me while I lay drugged and shaking on a table and rushed away from me. I didn't get to hold him for days. That grief is still with me, even while it coexists with ceaseless gratitude for my strong and healthy son.
If you'd like to see some pictures of Foxen growing from just after he came home from the NICU to a four-and-a-half year old boy, you're welcome to visit our blog:
http://foxenphotos.blogspot.com/
Please keep posting! You are not alone.
Love,
Alissa Worthing
Alissa,
DeleteThank you for posting your comment. Foxen looks like an amazing little boy who certainly grew up to be healthy and strong. As much as it pains me to hear others went through anything similar to what we are experiencing, it is comforting to know that there are other people out there with success stories to share. I strongly believe that Jackson is going to grow up to be a healthy, bright boy and all of this will be a distant memory for us one day as well. You are very appreciated!