Bump Envy

They say never say never.

I am not sure who "they" are, but "they" seem to be right a lot of the time.

Lately I have been overwhelmed with jealousy.  It seems like everyone I know is pregnant.  I find myself longing to be pregnant again.  I understand how ridiculous this sounds; my child is three months old.  I should be busy enjoying Jackson, not envying all of my friends who are currently pregnant.  I just can't help it.  I will shout it from the rooftops if I have to:

"I want to have a little person taking control of my body again!  I long for fatigue and stomach aches!  Please let me have my bump back!"

I have spent some time the past few days reading my old blog posts.  I started this blog to document my experience I had so I could make a truly informed decision when it came time to think about a second baby.  I never envisioned Jackson as an only child.  Colin may tell you different, but I believe strongly that two is better than one.  I am not saying it is time to actually decide on having another baby, but I am trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

There has to be something biologically wrong with me.

If you wonder what I mean by that, go back yourself and read what I was writing about in August.

I have a few theories to explain the irrational train of thoughts in my dense skull:

• I feel robbed.  I had this wonderful pregnancy that I did not get to complete.  Sure, we all came out alive and well, but it came to a screeching halt long before I expected.  I did not get to experience those last weeks of pregnancy.  I did not get to experience the birth of my child (neither did Colin).  I had to leave my baby in the care of someone else every night for almost five weeks.  Perhaps the headstrong side of my personality desires the chance to try again and triumph.
• I love Jackson with every cell in my body.  It is so overwhelming, it completely trumps the challenges we face as new parents.  Despite the lack of solid sleep (which I hear will start to get better soon) and frustration of not knowing why he is crying hysterically for seemingly no reason sometimes, taking care of Jackson is the most rewarding "job" ever.  One smile from him makes everything right in the world.  Surely we should have another baby and experience this all over again!
• I am in stage 7 of PNSD (Post NICU Stress Disorder); aka: NICUitis.

  Let me explain the stages:

*Warning: this is not a medically proven disorder; I am pretty much making this up from my own experience.  I know, duh!*

1. Denial - Surely this is not happening!
2. Disbelief - Seriously, this is happening?
3. Acceptance - Okay, so this is happening.
4. Compliance - Of course, I would love to spend all day every day in a small, dark room full of scary monitors watching my poor baby fight to grow and develop outside of the womb.  Sure, I will go home and get some rest and leave my baby here with someone else to take care of him.  This is all normal, right?
5. Impatience - How do I get my baby out of here?!  This is seriously like Groundhog Day (I love Bill Murray!).  Maybe they won't notice if we just sneak him out of here and act like all the other families leaving the birthing center next door with their fully cooked baby.  
6. Victory - We are going home!  Best day ever!!
7. Denial - That was no big deal; I could totally do it again if it means we have another amazing baby.  It really wasn't that bad.  Look at all the good that came out of the experience.  I mean, we jacked a bunch of diapers and other baby accessories and received private lessons on how to take care of our baby.  Piece of cake.

You see, the stages come full circle by the end and there you are, back in the denial phase.  

We took Jackson back to the NICU on Halloween to "trick or treat" as encouraged by a St. Charles NICU post on Facebook.  Colin and I both admitted to experiencing strong emotions as we drove that oh so familiar route to the hospital.  In the end, I am so glad we did it.  We basically faced our fear and came out unscathed.  However, it forced us to admit there was some fear there.  Clearly we are a bit traumatized by the experience (so the disorder must be real!).

Bottom line, despite discussions about adoption, I currently believe we are willing to give it another go someday and try to give Jackson a biological sibling.  The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance that I can have a normal pregnancy.  Unfortunately, there is also a chance I will develop preeclampsia/HELLP syndrome again and perhaps even earlier in the pregnancy.  Of course, my doctor would be on high alert and we would be more informed about the signs that I should take it easy and perhaps go on bed rest.  I just want to focus on the success stories I have read about women who had HELLP syndrome in their first pregnancy and had a completely normal pregnancy the second time around.  If things were to go south again, we will just deal with the situation and at least have one round in the NICU under our belt.  We would be old pros!

Now I just need to get over my bump envy.

Back in the NICU:

 

Showing off Jackson to Julia - one of Jackson's nurses and one of Colin's many Words With Friends partners: