Next thing you know, he will be rejecting mommy's kisses, dating, and leaving for college.
Okay, so maybe I am overreacting. All that has really happened is he has moved into his nursery. This move has resulted in longer stretches of sleep at night and an overwhelming sense that he is already growing up too fast. I thought I knew what kind of mommy I would be, but that was before this amazing little man entered my life. I was going to be laid-back mom. Give him his space to grow and develop mom. Encourage independence so he can become his own person mom. Cool mom.
Nope, I am needy and fearful that he will forget me when I am gone mom.
I warn you, this post is downright embarrassing. However, to stay to true to the intention of this blog, I must be honest. If I want to document my experience as a NICU and first-time mom so Jackson knows the story of the beginning of his life, I have to let it be known that I have become what I feared most. Attached mommy.
It all started on a long weekend trip to Seattle to visit Uncle Marty and Aunt Beth. I noticed that Jackson was not sleeping for long periods of time because we were in close quarters. He can nap through my activity at home, but when there are multiple people in the same room he just doesn't make it very long. I decided to put him down for a nap in his bassinet in the bedroom we were staying in. He slept for almost three hours! Knowing that a well-rested baby sleeps better at night than an overtired baby, I was optimistic. He slept over five hours that night!
I knew I was on to something. Jackson needs nap time during the day in a quiet, separate place. When we got home, I decided it was time to cut the cord. The first afternoon we had, I moved his travel bassinet into his crib and started the process for an afternoon nap. (Just to explain, the bassinet makes him feel more confined/secure and less "lost" in the vast area of his cosleeper and now, crib.) After feeding him, we rocked and I explained that he is a big boy now and it is time to move into his own room. I asked him to please understand that mommy loves him and wants to be with him all the time, but he needs his sleep to grow and develop. As I wept while I explained this concept to him, he proceeded to stare at me like I was crazy (fair enough) and drift off into sleep. Apparently he was not as emotional as I was about the separation that was about to happen. I put him down for a nap in his crib for the first time, fully swaddled, turned on his womb sound bear and left him.
He slept for almost two hours!
I finally had to wake him up to get to the store in time to get dinner handled, but I think he would have slept even longer. I informed Colin that I had cut the cord and it was time to order a monitor. He was surprised to find out I intended to let Jackson sleep in his crib that night even without a monitor. His bedroom is right across the hall and I am a light sleeper (especially without my ear plugs). It was time. Now or never.
He slept for over six hours!
I am pretty sure he only woke up because I picked him up. He went to bed at 10 p.m. and after I finally got up to pump milk at 4 a.m. I decided to change him when I was done. I should have left him alone, but I could not believe he had gone that long without eating. I immediately assumed this must have been a fluke; Jackson seems to know when I am really getting fatigued due to lack of sleep at night and he will give me a long stretch of sleep just in time to save my sanity.
Same routine the next night, except now we have the Jackson Cam. We can see and hear what is going on and it even has super-creepy night vision!
I put him down around 10 p.m. and woke up at 4 a.m. to pump milk. Instead of waking him up (believe it or not, he sleeps through me coming into the nursery to pump) I went back to bed. He did not wake up until 6 a.m.! Woo hoo! That was eight hours of sleep for our little man. People told me this would happen, but I honestly did not believe them.
Clearly we were waking him up when he was sleeping in our room. Between the tossing and turning (me) and snoring (Sam & Colin - the latter may contest this statement) he was not getting solid sleep. I had presumed that he wanted to sleep near mommy and that he would sleep better because he felt secure. What I failed to recognize is that he slept without mommy every night for the first five weeks of his life when I had to leave him in the NICU. It was the same back then as now, the separation anxiety is on my part, not his. This kid is a fighter and completely fine on his own.
So here we are. Jackson and I are both sleeping better (I still have to get up and pump milk - so annoying) and I am coming to terms with my need to let Jackson grow up.
If he comes home with a girl though, I will absolutely lose it!
Big boy in his crib:
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