Perspective

 

 Although cliche, find these phrases helpful and meaningful right now:

• What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
• Life is 5% what happens to you and 95% how you react to it.
• Every cloud has a silver lining.
• Its always darkest before the dawn.
• When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

I like to think of myself as a Tigger, rather than an Eeyore. Most situations in life can be seen from two perspectives: positive or negative. As I have gained life experience through age, I have learned that life is a lot easier if you focus on the positive.

As I sit in the NICU with Carter, I am blessed with time to reflect and process this situation. As I rub my bleary, tired eyes and look at my beautiful baby boy, I realize that we have so much to be thankful for. The ability to do this really has nothing to do with being a strong person; it simply comes from putting things into perspective.

There are many definitions for perspective. In this situation, it means "a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view".

For example: as I sit in the NICU with a relatively healthy, full-term baby boy, hundreds of people in Paris are dealing with losing a loved one at the hands of terrorists. Putting my family's situation in perspective, we actually have it pretty good right now.

It would be easy to spiral into a dark pit of despair and wallow in self-pity right now, but what good would that do? I think most people would excuse my selfishness and even give me a free postpartum depression pass. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. This is just a short list of emotions and thoughts I have experienced over the past four days:

• Indignation - "This is not fair - haven't I put in my time here already?"
• Anger - "We made it to term and even ten days at home - this is B.S.!"
• Sadness - "My poor baby boys - one is constantly being poked and prodded and left alone by mommy and the other is being neglected by mommy because she is never home anymore."
• Coping sarcasm - "Cool, another reason to stay here another day. Any more tests we can perform to keep me here longer? I am getting the sleep of my life in this recliner."
• Anxiety - "I will keep you updated as I sit here and wait for another round of test results."

 All of that being said, my family honestly has so much to be thankful for. Specifically:

• Carter was full term - I did not get sick so I am capable of taking care of my boys. Also, the fact that he is a fully-cooked kid is helping us get out of the NICU so much faster.
• I got this - I can function in a NICU room standing on my head. Been here, done this.
• Support - We have amazing family and friends that are supporting us in a variety of ways. A special shout out to the grandparents who are taking care of Jackson in our absence. It really does take a village. 
• NICU Staff - Colin and I once again stand in awe of the NICU nurses and doctors who are taking care of our son. So many people here recognize our family and have made us feel at home (reluctantly - no one wants anyone to be here) all over again. I find myself surrounded by personal cheerleaders, counselors, confidants, and friends all disguised cleverly as nurses and doctors. 
• Carter's Overall Health - Yes, we are in the NICU. Yes, Carter is enduring many pokes, prods, and other uncomfortable tests. Yes, my heart breaks for my son multiple times a day as he cries through more pain. However, having all of these tests done confirms that other than the bilirubin issue, he is a healthy boy and we have no reason to worry once we get past this little bump in the road.
• Carter - This kid is tough. There is a part of me that believes that he is out to prove he can endure the NICU just like his brother did. Sure, he cries a little when he is poked. Otherwise, he is a mellow, sweet little guy and everyone here loves him. No one wants him to leave (it is fun for the nurses to have a well-done baby to play with - he can withstand contact and interaction that preemies cannot) but everyone wants him to go home and be with his family.

This is merely a short list of things that are helping me keep my head up. I cannot wait to be home again, but when I put this seemingly devastating situation in perspective, we have it pretty darn good. There are people out there right now dealing with WAY worse problems than we are, and I believe it is important to keep that in mind.

In other news, I realized today that I have way too much time on my hands when I found myself watching this video:

Carter, perhaps we should think about leaving now.....