Dear Captain Fussybritches,

Who are you and what did you do with my quiet little preemie?

I suppose since you are over 9 lbs. now you feel entitled to act like a regular baby.  Well, let me just tell you, I am all for growth and maturity, but this is not what I was expecting.

Don't get me wrong.  I love some of your new characteristics and behavior.  I mean, having a "regular size" baby is pretty cool.  You fit better in your car seat and baby carrier, your clothes and beanies actually fit, and you even graduated to size 1 diapers so I can save more money by buying them in bulk.  I can't get enough of your bright, alert eyes when you look around drinking in your surroundings.  I am so proud of you when you track objects, such as pages from the books I read you.  You make me melt when you clearly recognize me and smile when we have our little chats (aka: when I talk to you like a crazy person expecting you to talk back because I am here alone and have no adult interaction).  You are so strong and I adore it when you "stand" in my lap.  It is so impressive when you can lift and hold your head.  Mommy is so proud of your accomplishments.

However, I love you so much I feel the need to be completely honest with you.  Seriously, I love you so much it feels like my heart may actually explode sometimes, but we need to set some boundaries here.

I will start with your new attitude.  Do you honestly need to be held this much throughout the day?  What happened to the sleepy little boy who would chill and take naps so I could get things done?  Is it necessary to cry until you are picked up and bounced around the room?  I mean, I understand crying if you need me to immediately fulfill a basic need, such as hunger, a diaper change, or pain relief.  Frankly, your need to be held and bounced so many times a day is getting a bit selfish.  If you would just ride on mommy in your baby carrier and allow me to have both hands to get things done this could work out.  However, when you insist on poking your head out and arching your back out of the carrier I have to support you with one hand.  This completely negates the point of the carrier and having both hands to function.  Come on man!  Have you noticed that I constantly need to pump milk, wash pump parts and bottles, and clean your clothing, burp cloths, sheets, and blankets?  I mean, really.

Speaking of pumping milk, can't you just enjoy your vibrating chair quietly while I express your next meal?  Isn't it bad enough that I can't constantly nurse you because every time I do I end up in excruciating pain?  Come on!  I even give you the vibrating chair and I sit in the glider.  If I could enjoy a vibrating massage every time I pumped milk maybe it would not be so bad.  A little cooperation and appreciation would go a long way with me.  Just chill out, enjoy your massage, and suck on your pacifier.  Your fresh milk will be ready as soon as possible.

Also, can't you give me a little more warning that you are going to be hungry?  Seriously, you go from zero to sixty in a shockingly short amount of time.  One minute you are content and possibly even sleeping, the next you are so hungry you literally scream and attempt to eat your hands in an immature display of drama.  I know you are hungry, and admittedly I get pretty cranky myself when my blood sugar drops, but it takes a few minutes to heat a bottle.  Screaming does not expedite the process.  I was hoping you would start to figure that out, but I may be wrong....

While we are on the subject of hunger, do you not realize that I need to eat as well?  If I can't get a short break from feeding, changing, entertaining, and holding, I don't eat.  You used to nap and I could even clean up after eating.  Now your appetite and need for attention is insatiable and I can't find time to give my body the nourishment it needs to produce your food.  I suppose you think you are doing me a favor and helping me lose weight, but I am pretty sure my body is in starvation mode and hanging on to every calorie it can get.  This is not exactly an effective weight loss plan.  Just thought you should know.  Mommy would be much happier if she could continue to lose the baby weight (plus some!).

Speaking of producing your food, are you under the impression that I enjoy pumping milk?  Sure, I don't mind doing it despite the time-consuming and annoying nature of the process.  I mean, it is what is best for you.  My milk is full of antibodies to keep you healthy and is a pure form of food for your little body.  However, I find it a tad offensive when you completely disregard the fact it is liquid gold.  Surely you have heard me talk about my concerns that I won't be able to keep up with your increasing milk quantity needs since I can't nurse you more than a few times a day.  To keep up with your needs, I literally spend hours every day hooked up to a machine that tugs on very sensitive body parts to pull milk out of me.  When you fall asleep with a mouth full of milk and let it dribble down your chin, well, quite frankly it feels like a slap in the face.  Oh, and not burping no matter how many positions I try and how long I pat your back only to spit up the milk I expressed for you because you had an air bubble is infuriating.  I know I told you how much I love it when you smile, but right after you spit up the milk I painstakingly produced for you is not an appropriate time.  Also, insisting on eating more milk than you can handle in a sitting by crying unless I give you more and then spitting up what you can't handle is maddening.  Serenity now!

By the way, it may not bother you that your clothes and face smell like sour milk from constant spit up, but it bothers me.  I don't mind wiping your face and bathing you, but when you spit up on your clothes and blankets I have to wash those.  I know it is not your fault that our washer broke (the most inconvenient appliance to break for a new mother, by the way!), but constantly schlepping loads of laundry next door to Auntie BaBa's house has been beyond annoying.  The fact that you no longer like to take long, uninterrupted naps makes going next door to do laundry next to impossible.  Also, please remember that your laundry is not all that needs to be washed.  Keep up that business and the new washer and drying are coming out of your future allowance!

Finally, I would like to address the idea of fussing when you are tired.  I know this is what babies do and you are not alone.  However, what is the point?  How does crying help?  What am I supposed to do for you here?  I can rock you, pat and rub your back, even sing to you if that is your cup of tea.  I feel like I am usually doing these things and you still feel the need to cry if you need to sleep.  It is quite simple actually: if you are tired, go to sleep (cue Samuel L. Jackson).  If you are having trouble falling asleep, try watching a Seinfeld episode on the DVR or playing solitaire on your phone.  Works for me!  I would just like to point out that if I screamed and cried every time I was tired, well, you can only imagine....

All of this is probably not your fault.  Here is what I think happened: you somehow paid attention to the video we had to watch about the period of purple crying.  I am not sure how you pulled that off since you will still in the womb when we were forced to watch said video, but you have seemed to realize, "Hey, I am three weeks past my due date so I am supposed to start holding my breath until I turn purple and crying so hard I choke."  The thing is, you don't HAVE to do this.  That cute little scream you let out to get my attention is sufficient.  I get it; you need something.  You do not need to scream and cry for an extensive amount of time to get your point across.  You don't need to literally choke for me to take action.  I am here for you Jackson, and I don't plan on letting you down.  Just do me a favor, take it down a notch.

I would like to commend you for keeping this behavior contained mostly to the day time.  At night you seem to be all business.  You fuss and cry a little when you wake up hungry and need to eat, sleep a little while I heat up your bottle and get my pumping parts ready, and maybe fuss a little when I change your diaper.  Other than that, you drink your milk and go right back to sleep.  The stories of colicky babies who cry for hours on end all night shake me to the core.  Please don't go there Jackson.  I will take Captain Fussybritches all day if it means we can get through the exhausting nights together unscathed.

Love you forever my fussy little angel,

Mommy

*Not your cutest face buddy*