A New Kind of Tired

Well, we did it!  We survived our first night at home with Jackson.  More importantly, he survived.

There is one little problem.  Jackson is not a quiet sleeper.  Due to his reflux and typical little guy tummy issues, he groans, grunts, and whines in his sleep.  Of course, that means I didn't sleep for the majority of the night.  I used my flashlight app to check his color constantly to make sure he was still breathing and every time I fell asleep he let out one of his baby noises that would wake me right back up.  Finally, Colin woke up around 3:30 a.m. when I was holding Jackson upright after feeding him and asked if I had slept yet.  When I responded that I had not, he did the most considerate thing a husband/partner could do.  He took the baby downstairs and slept on the couch while Jackson slept in the pack and play and allowed me to finally get some sleep. 

Those few hours made all the difference in the world, but we were both still exhausted.  I finally understand why this job (being a parent) is so hard.  Once you are finally done changing, feeding, and holding your baby you can put them down to sleep.  Technically, this is when you should also allow yourself to nap so you can have the stamina to repeat the process (change, feed, hold....repeat).  However, the baby's nap time is the only time you have to do anything else.  Laundry, washing and sterilizing bottles, picking up the house, showering, etc.. Oh yeah, and pumping milk every 3 hours is also expected so I can keep up my supply. 

This is a new kind of tired.

I have been tired before for several reasons.  Working too many hours, having a little too much fun, traveling long distances, insomnia, red-eye flights, pregnancy, flu, the list goes on.  This is different.  There is always something that needs to be done.  I told Colin this evening that I cannot imagine doing this on my own.  I don't know how single mothers manage.    

I understand this is all going to get easier and I am honestly not complaining.  I am more than happy to be doing all of this, especially after spending so long in the hospital under direct orders and observation.  Finally, we can call the shots.  If we want to let Jackson sleep a little longer and not wake him up to change and feed him, we can.  As long as he continues to grow and thrive (we'll see how we are doing at his first well baby appointment on Wednesday) no one can tell us how to manage our time.  All that being said, Jackson is really the one calling the shots.  As usual.

Things are going to inevitably get more comedic as I lose more and more sleep.  Pregnant brain had already smoothly transitioned to postpartum brain.  Now I think I have an affliction known as new mommy brain.  I am sure all mothers out there can relate.  I am a complete moron.  Seriously.  I have had some really idiotic moments.  For example, I have failed to put a container on my pump and allowed milk to flow right onto my lap.  This may not sound like that big of a deal, however, milk is liquid gold and any waste is unacceptable AND this has happened more than once.  I need to extract my butt from my cranium, stat!

Night two, and the inexperienced parents were optimistic.  "Look at him sleep so quietly and soundly during the day.  Surely we can put him down again in the co sleeper tonight and everything will be fine.  Let's just go with business as usual and hopefully he will sleep."

Wrong!

Despite my rapidly deteriorating neural function, I have realized this kid is playing us like a fiddle.  He is not too keen on sleeping separate from us at night.  If you put him down in the co sleeper (keep in mind he has been held and soothed after eating), he starts grunting, groaning, and whining.  Pick him up and hold him or let him sleep on you, everything is fine.  That little stinker wants to be held 24/7!

There are two factors that are different at night:

1. It is quiet.  He sleeps through the hustle and bustle of our house, just like he was always sleeping through the various sounds of the NICU.
2. He is expected to spend more time on his own in his sleeping area.  We are not supposed to hold him all night for fear that we will fall asleep and smother him.

Colin woke up this morning and I was busted doing the big "No No".  I had nursed him for a while and he was sleepy.  When I put him in his co sleeper he woke back up and fussed.  So, I cleared a little area next to me (between where I sleep and his co sleeper bed), put down a blanket (in case of spit up), and snuggled.  Of course, I dozed off.  Fortunately, Jackson survived this oh so dangerous situation, but we can't do this.

I have a womb sound bear that we can learn to deal with.  This allows Jackson to have some sound to soothe him as he is falling asleep.  All the reviews of the product claim that babies feel asleep faster and slept longer.  

Not sure what to do about #2.  Guess we will figure something out to save our sanity.  Our plan for today: less daytime nap time.

We'll see how it goes.  *Yawn*

"Look at me pretending to sleep in my co sleeper.  Once mommy finally falls asleep I will execute my plan to get back over to her.  Muahhahahahaha!"