I Ate Poop

I'll set the scene:

Jackson is bundled in his full-body snowsuit and boots. Colin and I are shoveling the driveway. Jackson relocates to the mat in front of the door. We naively presume he has found a warm, dry spot to relax and watch us work.

Wrong!

Colin notices one of Jackson's gloves has come off. Typical, the puppy is constantly undressing our baby. 

"Honey, the baby is eating poop."

Fantastic.

I guess Jackson found some frozen treats in the snow and decided to go for it while we were busy assuming he was being a good boy.

Here is some advice from a rookie mom if you ever find yourself in this situation.

What To Do When Your Baby Eats Poop

1. Determine the specific type of feces. In this case, it was puppy poop left in the snow for Jackson to enjoy. If you are dealing with dog or baby poop, proceed to step 2. If you are unsure of the poop origin, call your pediatrician or poison control immediately.
2. Run a warm bath. Baby needs to be cleaned immediately! You may be thinking, "the poop is already inside", but you need to remove the residuals from the hands, mouth, and any other parts before the situation continues downhill. 
3. Remove clothes. Consider burning them.
4. Remove any poop from baby exterior before immersing in tub. In this case, the poop started out frozen so we did not have a big mess. 
5. Apply soap liberally. I included the mouth, both interior and exterior. Hey, I use all-natural soap, so don't judge. I figure people have been washing kid's mouths out with soap for hundreds of years for using bad words; this is just a different type of potty mouth.
6. Google "My baby ate poop". You will be surprised how this pops up immediately and how many websites offer both advice and comfort. You are not alone.
7. Feed your baby. Clearly whatever you were doing at the time of the incident was not more important than your baby's hunger. 
8. Watch for diarrhea, low-grade fever, and any other intestinal issues. These are all normal. Consider calling pediatrician during regular office hours. Again, this is not an emergency.
9. Participate in online baby shaming to document incident. Save story for baby's rehearsal dinner one day.